Great Escape

i need to manage my time better. i need to sleep. i need me time. waa, waa, waa. i really do need all of them but will settle for managing my time better and then the others will follow. i was doing the wash a load a laundry a day routine and it was really working. then the kids got sick and i took a day off which meant i started the next day already in the hole and i took it off too. two days in a row were enough to throw a wrench in my new routine so monday i washed all day. yuck! i am back, well mostly to every day. it saves it from overpowering my laundry room.
i am in the running maybe for a legit writing gig. fingers crossed this will work out. it would be nice to have a little extra cash to say hm to fly back home, pay off the car, buy windows, paint the house. oh the list could go on, but i hear squiggles fussing. and really what's the point, there are literally hundreds of things i could do with extra money that would help the family.
and maybe i would splurge and buy a back to for my other diamond earring, a new seamless nose ring cuz the one i've had for the last 2 years is driving me craZy with a capital z. i might also get that judy's cd i've been wanting for years. and that's about it for my self list.
i also need to find an outlet away from the house and fast. these kids are driving me insane. and so is bran. just school bran is making me nuts at least. belly does whatever i tell her not to do and when i typed it i realized what i need to start tomorrow. if i want her to stop yelling i will ask her to not whisper. it is sure to work a few times then she'll be hip. must resist the urge for everything annoying and target real issues - like respecting people's personal space and boundaries. and squiggles wants to be held and babied, and while i love doing those, she is somewhere in the 25 pound range. baby got back and it's killing me.
my hair is a mirror image of my mindset. i am all over the place yet set in defined motion. some days i am more in love with my hair than others, but so far i am enjoying my dread babies.

the hawk returned today. it's the first it's been back for about a month now. although he wasn't as easily deterred this time and it took bran throwing something at the fence. he finally flew off. also it's gotten more determined as his feathers made it deeper in to the coop. gonna do some research as to how to keep him at bay since i want to be able to free range them once the weather warms up.

i took the girls to go see the pay what you can bonus show at a church downtown. the lady in charge of the show was a super bitch. she immediately took one look at us and said, "oh children. you know they can't make any noise. there is no talking or crying." she made the statement at least 4 times before we were allowed in the theater. at one point squiggles squealed at which point she said "and none of that either. this a performance and outbursts like that will mess up the singers." at which point the guy who i now know as tom, the man who has been doing my copies for years, the man who has watched my girls grow and play in his shop, told her to shut the fuck up in his ever so juneau polite way, "laura, i think it will be okay. and the performers are professionals and a bit of fussing won't ruin the show."
we sat in the very front on the end. squiggles of course was too fascinated by all the people and the set to relax and sleep during the 1st act. she wanted to roam. we left belly in there alone. she was on the edge of her seat when i left and when i returned. she also filled me in on what was happening at the end of act 1. act 2 both girls were quiet, watching, enjoying it. the singing was great. we made it through intermission and waited for act 3 despite having an accident that went unreported in act 2. quick costume change for my darling and she sat on my jacket. squiggles was having nothing to do with the opera now that she was newly invigorated after intermission. i spent most of act 3 in the hall again with the lady who i wanted to smack. instead i just entertained myself with squiggles and ground my teeth.
we left after the end of the 3rd act and belly was really very disappointed. she didn't want to leave. she even yelled at me, which she's never done in public, and said, "i don't want to leave, i have to stay. i have to finish." i hated making her go but we had to. maybe if she wasn't sitting in my scarf wrapped around her naked little bum on my jacket i would've let her finish and i would have kept the other one in the hallway. maybe if i didn't feel so guilty for belly watching her first opera alone i would've stayed. maybe if that woman didn't have my hackles up i would've had mellow vibes and we all could've enjoyed the performance.
ugh...whatever. i didn't report the accident in seat 2, row 1 to laura. i know i'm a bad person.

i re-realized that i am not that kind of woman. you know the kind that is really conservative, keeps her mouth shut and politely listens. no i am not her. i never have been and never will be. i thought i might be breaking into the mommy circle in juneau after 3 1/2 years, but i think i might have blown it because i am not overly religious, i know way more than one would think about education and various teaching/learning styles, i have a cool story for just about every occasion and yes i watch scary movies. and that my friends is what cost me my free pass in to one of the mommy circles among the juneau locals, not the implants like myself. oh well if they can't handle that then so be it.
i have noticed arianna has acted odd the last 2 dance classes since her halloween party when it became perfectly clear i was not a juneau girl. i might live here, enjoy the outdoors more than most who were born here, know my way around, but i am not from here. i think my jaw hit the floor when one of the mother #1 pointed out that they don't use a certain kind of language in their house "what a pain in the butt." i so just wanted to blurt out, "well fuck you don't want to hear what's said at my house." but i didn't i swallowed my f bomb and looked like i was smelled shit. ok so i have a potty mouth. it hasn't cost me any real friends so why should i let it bother me now.
then when i mentioned i was part lebanese another mom #2 looked at me like i was stupid that i didn't speak arabic and wanted to point out that although greek, and fluent, even she knew some arabic and corrected how i said some my favorite lebanese dishes that i grew up eating. which led in to how at her church there are people from all over the world, but basically what i heard was my church is segregated, all the greeks hang with the greeks and the lebanese hang with other middle easterns and the whites stick together.
really, where are all these people cuz i would love some diversity. the lack of diversity is the main reason i don't want my kids to grow up here forever. i can count the number of black people in this town, i know a large portion of the phillipino and thai populations, i have heard and seen a few mexicans, but not enough that i rarely include them in the mix of people here. there are a fair amount of natives, but this is southeast for crying out loud. that would like be living new mexico and not expecting to see any any number of native americans there. other than that this town in white, lily white, really white. plain.
not to mention there is absolutely no music scene at all. for adults there are a handful of local bands, but nothing to watch a second time. there are the occasional bands that tour up here, but they are so proud of themselves for making it up here it's like they've forgotten why they came.
mom #3 is a homeschooler. i must admit i am jealous. i wish i could homeschool the girls, but it is out of the question. bran is so against the idea we can't even talk about it. and i am so not interested in public school it's ridiculous. this mom and i have had several conversations regarding my longing to teach my girls and she just grins and nods. not the i am superior nod, but the one that says i feel sorry for you. you must be married to an ass. and while i am frustrated by bran's steadfastness on his schooling decision, he is a good man, a good dad and a good husband. just a little fucked in the head when it comes to education.
and now back to dance class. i am no longer the one ariana sits next to, chats up a storm with. though she does like to gossip (not too highly invested in those kinds of conversations), is very conservative and is slightly egocentric, she is a nice lady. she loves her kids and i seems to like mine. i am the one she sits across from and listens while she and another mom talk. the other moms that frequent bring books and are not really talkers. believe me i have tried since i do have the gift of gab. i have been around long enough to know that while it might change the number of playdates belly gets with christina, they will still get opportunities now and then to hang out outside of dance. and who knows maybe a little bit of both of us will rub off on one another.
as it is we have been taking turns bringing the girls snacks to share after dance class. it was belly's idea to feed everyone after every class. i think i'll make muffins or something for the last class for her to pass out to everyone. she loves to feed people. takes after her mama in that way.

they grow up so fast. squiggles is already pulling herself up on the wall and inching her way down the hallway. she has been pulling herself up on the couch and other such objects that offer a handhold for a few weeks now. smooth surfaces are new, the last few days.
belly is growing into such a sweetheart. after reading tonight she asked me if we could go to church int he morning. she wants to draw some pictures and give them to my grandfathers and wants to see stained glass windows. she is something else. now to find a church in juneau that has stained glass windows.
i really need to get motivated about working. i have really been slacking. i keep telling myself that i will do it tomorrow. procrastination is really starting to put a dent in my paycheck...not a good thing at all. not to mention i have a huge pile of laundry to fold and put away. the chores are neverending unlike the movie with the same name.
i am so glad to have my girls. can't wait to hear what the cardiologist says on the 28th. i so want him to say everything is fine. no more holes. perfect heart. even though i seriously doubt much has changed. she is the sweetest thing i've ever held in my arms though. she and her sister are already so different. i can only image what it's going to be like when they are older.
if i get some work done this evening i can start my dreads tomorrow. just a little every night until i have a head full.

last night when putting belly to bed. she leaned over as if pretending to sleep then rolled over and with the most sincere look in her eyes said, mom. thanks for my party, thanks for my cake, thank you. tomorrow i will buy you something for doing so good."
she makes me so proud. she is already a more thoughtful, sensitive person than i am. today i really had to adjust my attitude. i was getting frustrated over nothing. i made writing seem like an arduous task. i was snarky and i hurt her feelings. 1 point for mom. ugh. i apologized for acting like an ass and snuggled her in my lap for quite a long time considering there was a 9 month old climbing all over me and then us then away. she cried, she talked, she laughed. we made up. i need to remember to be nicer.
i love that girl more than anything and usually on any given day i have skills and intuition to handle what life throws me, but today wasn't that day and i sucked. i got over it pretty quickly though and relaxed.
tomorrow will be another day. it will be better than today. it will be great and it will be her 4th bday.

i am going to have a busy week this week. still need to get a fe final touches for belly's bday party on sun. i can't believe she is going to be 4. where does the time go? squiggles is really crawling now. she follows us from room to room providing she doesn't get distracted by a plug or lint on the floor.
she and belly already have such a neat relationship. i can't wait to see what it grows in to. bran took the girls to run some errands (first time with both girls for a jaunt longer than 30 minutes). i asked bell to help with squiggles so she wouldn't fuss for bran. so as soon as squiggles woke up belly started growling really loudly at her. they love to play that game and it really makes squiggles laugh. it's too cute. they were growling at each other over breakfast and had me rolling. we have so much fun together.
i really need to get back on the wagon. i haven't been motivated or alert enough to work in the evenings and it's really starting to affect the bank account. although things are about to change or at least i think/hope. we will be paying off bran's credit card and then he is giving me his card so that he can't spend like mad. he has been secretly spending for the last year. when he told me his balance i was shocked. i had no idea he had racked up so much and i don't even know what he's spent it on...which i find very alarming.
that said we just dropped way more than i wanted to for the kitchen. although now we are more than half way done. all that's left are the countertops and refacing the cabinets. we have finally decided that we are not going to replace them since it's not really in the budget, but a facelift will really help them a lot. there is still the floor in the kitchen, bath and laundry that still needs to be redone.
the garden is coming along. it feels like the end is near. maybe another year and a half of so and then we will be done. i can't wait. it will be nice to not have to work on projects every weekend. and use our extra cash for home improvements. it will be nice to start saving all the extra cash again. it will make me feel a lot better about where we are financially.
my eyes are rolling back in my head. i am coming down with a cold. i don't want to be sick. i can't afford to be sick this week. if i can get through this week and belly's real bday then i can crash.

two minutes in to the 10th anniversary of 9/11 i still remember exactly what i was doing and how i felt. in fact there are few months that have gone by that i haven't flashed back to that day. i guess i could fall under the post traumatic growth label and call it a day or i can keep it on a longer loop in my head.
i remember that day like i remember the day the challenger exploded. i guess when i see real life explosions they tend to scar my brain. i don't think i will ever forget those moments in history. funny how i have already in 4 soon to be short years have forgotten the exact month belly walked, crawled, broke some teeth, etc. but i can remember those instances very well.
squiggles woke up. no more 2 handed typing. maybe more later.

squiggles started crawling on sun but only on the carpet. the wood floors seem only conducive to the seal crawl still. and since it's a new skill she still reverts to the seal crawl when she really wants to book it. she is growing up so fast. although 8 months and counting and still no sign of teeth. poor dear loves to eat too. she is going to have some fun when her chompers come in.
belly starts her dance class this afternoon. she is so excited and so am i. i hope she has as much fun and she thinks she will. i wish i could watch her, but the way the studio is set up i will have to wait it the waiting area while she dances at least until she feels comfortable there and then i think i will use that time to get some errands done and such since i don't know how well squiggles is going to take being cooped up that small area.

oh an entirely different note, we are getting chickens. we wanted to get them this weekend, but no such luck. we are on the waiting list and if that doesn't work out we'll be able to buy some chicks in the spring. i can't wait to have fresh eggs to go along with the newly extended garden. i had been toying with the idea for a while, but hadn't really mentioned it to bran b/c i thought he would be against the idea, but he brought it up on sat. when we took belly for a pony ride at swampy acres. i think the girls will have fun and it will certainly be a good experience for them.

ok time to get out of my pjs and into some comfy clothes so i can do my morning yoga. then the day can officially begin.