Great Escape

this morning i woke up to bran hollering my name and the word vodka. i had forgotten to put up my drink the night before and since it was clear bran paid no attention to it when belly grabbed the glass and took a sip. honestly, i don't think she got it past her lips, but i pumped her full of food and watched her closely for a few hours. she was totally normal although i won't be leaving my drinks on the table anymore.
this week belly has been a trooper. she has had way more dvd time than should be allowed, but she's been breaking it up by helping me paint, hammering on the walls and trying eith al her might to entice us to play chase all day. she repainted the accent wall in her room. i'm going to leave it since i plan to make that the art wall anyway. i', sure that won't be the last time she takes a brush to that wall in the next few weeks anyway. might as well let her have fun with it. today she used all of her brushes instead of my small cutting brush. she thought it was great dipping her brushes all the way to her fingers and slowly pulling it out and watching the paint drip off. then she would wildly turn to a wall flinging paint everywhere, brush here and there a bit and repeat the process. at one point she had 3 brushes going. she was really working it in the hallway.

milestones this week:

she recognized the letters on the fred meyer building "look mama, abc's" when i told her they were letters that spelled fred meyer she said "oh fred meyer abc's" very matter of fact.

she also requested that i read a dr. suess book to her during our bathroom ritual. book requests by title (picture on front page) is common, but author, i was impressed. "bead book, mama. no no doc sue book pease."

she sang along with some of the songs on her movies she's been memorizing. it was too cute to hear her belt out a few jumbly, indiscernible words. she had the pitch and rhythm right though.

this afternoon when she woke up from her nap she was talking about pete's dragon. one of the movies she's fallen in love with. which i couldn't find this evening for some reason and she was most distraught for a few minutes until we started playing with her animals, but i digress. our post nap routine involves me asking her if she slept well, what she dreamed about and checking to see if food or bathroom is top priority. and her response is typically the same. she slept well, she watched cash either poop or eat (this determines which we will have to do shortly) in her dreams and after some snuggling we're off. today however was different. she woke up talking about pete's dragon and how the dragon is her friend and she loves him. then she hopped off my lap to face me and very seriously says, "pete dagon izzy paborit mobie." now mind you we talk about favorite books, colors, foods, etc. but i wasn't too sure how much she really comprehended the concept because given in the right order, everything is her favorite. but not today.

it is taking longer than expected to prep the floors and walls. we are nearing the home stretch. bran needs to replace the subfloor by the front door and i need to sand all the patches and de-popcorn the ceiling in belly's room and the hallway. whoever thought that was a good idea was so wrong. need to see if belly can play with jack for the next few days for a few hours. might save it for the weekend though. i'll sleep on it tonight. still need to get flooring for the laundry room and entryway. must be very water resistant, durable and something i like. haven't seem to find anything that fits all those criteria. must make a choice and get it ordered tomorrow. still need to finish scraping the wallpaper in the breakfast nook, but that will have to wait until the floors are installed since they are sitting in that corner of the house. need to call the dads to see if they have any suggestions as to how to get the popcorn off the ceiling short of scraping it with a putty knife. there must be some kind of sanding tool out there. whew. we have to be finished with the floors and most of the painting (would be nice) and finish packing the house and move in by the 1st. i'm glad bran will be taking most of thanksgiving week off so we can work during the day too.
belly has been a super trooper. she helps occasionally. she wanders and chased the dog. she snacks in front of her "dbd" she can't say her v's yet. she inspects. she's perfectly content watching movies and talking with me in whatever room i have to work in. she rocks.

today was the first day we really worked on the house. not to mention we bought our first brand new, not new to us, but brand new front loading washer/dryer set. they're last year's models so we got a good deal. capitalism worked in our favor today. thanks in-laws for the g.c.

although we went a played around on thurs. when we got the keys, short of pulling carpet up in the spare room to take peek at the subfloors was nothing in comparison to the amount we got done today. belly and i made a morning trip for some last minute floor prep items. kystal came along for the ride and entertained belly while i shopped. i was able to to in a hour what usually would've taken me a scattered 2.

we got to the house and plugged her into pete's dragon and various other movies between her sweeping and (pretend) helping pull nails and staples. by the time we left this evening all the carpet has been pulled out and placed in the garage and except for the living room and the last bit of hallway (wonky light switch that needs to be replaced stopped working so nails and bits were definitely left.

we should be ready to seal the floors mon. evening at the latest which means we can start laying floor next weekend. leaving us this week after bran gets off of work to paint the interior. good thing once the floor is all painted it will be safe for belly to run around crazy, chasing the dog, helping, playing, general kid stuff, but for now the evil necessity of the portable dvd player has taken control. still haven't settled on accents, but i've got my base color all picked out.

we revisted a house that we liked a few months ago right before it was taken off the market. well despite a week plus of the funk we were able to see the house before anyone else managed to put in an offer. we meet today with our real estate agent so we can put in our offer.
the house is not the prettiest little place we've looked at...by far. and it certainly is the ugly duckling on the block, but it has potential and it's well within our means...two things that haven't seem to lined up on this year and a half search we've been on.
if they accept the offer than we would need to go in immediately and redo the floors...they are so gross that i can feel the funk through my shoes, we'd need to mend the back fence to keep cash in and scrub the hell out of everything else. so basically it's really no dirtier than a few places we've rented. ideally we'll get it for a steal...as it is it's already listed $40k less than the assessed property value because it's a foreclosure. i would like to knock off an additional $15K, but we'll see.
i'm nervous, anxious and excited all at once. i know this is a smart move, although it will be challenging at times with a toddler and renovations, but we aren't the first and certainly won't be the last family to do it. that being said. fingers crossed.

the sickness continues. bran is on day 5. belly is on day 1 if you don't count the aftermaths of cold she had the week before. i took both of them to the doctor today. bran was in pain when he coughed and belly had a fever of a 102 even with tylenol. also she made the saddest face when she coughed like she wanted to cry, but thought it might make her chest hurt worse. bran got antibiotics...belly was issued what we're already doing....steams, tylenol and the humidifier. i felt fine all day, but now that i have slowed down a bit between belly's stirring (about every 20-45 minutes) i am feeling heavy like i too may be getting sick. i hope my vitamin boost earlier today and some emergen-c before i go to bed will help. belly needs to be snuggled back to sleep.

the trip to houston has come and gone. we had a lot of fun despite the drama. there is so much truth in the saying "you can never go back" when it comes to family dynamics. belly had 3 parties with her many grandparents and great grandparents. we got home on tues...late so wed was a waste of a day too. we had belly's official b-day party yesterday. my little one is a toddler, no mistaking. although it was wet, cold, rainy, foggy and generally an unpleasant day. we still had a nice time. belly played with some friends...super troopers for making it out in the weather...opened presents, ate cake then came home to play with her new goodies. she is totally stocked up for some time now.
today she is decked out in elmo...shirt, shoes and puffy vest. too cute.

i'm excited, nervous, anxious and giddy all at the same time. belly and i leave tomorrow for seattle get in at midnight then get up and fly to dallas at 7am. we will finally get into houston around 4ish.
usually i am way comfortable with flying, but we've watched a lot of movies/shows that involved plane crashes, so i am a bit nervous. i told bran that i am going to keep belly strapped to me. which of course i know is totally impractical with a toddler.
also i am stressing over bringing the car seat. i have one in houston that i used last time. it worked great, but i am apprehensive about using it this time. i don't want to to haul our car seat all over creation, but i don't want to regret not bringing it and relying on the other one either.
i have one more night to sleep on it. when i wake up in the morning i will book the hotel based on my dream decision. hopefully my subconscious will work it out tonight. no pressure.

i did a contract job in april and finally got paid for it today due to my mail forwarding issues i've had with the post office for the last month.
and although i am so thankful the check finally came...much needed, they sent me two. they cut 2 different checks during the month of july. i feel like cashing them both. the company is a grant making machine and they filter millions through their system annually so what's $875 to them right? i know the right thing to do is to send it back, right? right! i don't know why i'm even tossing around the idea of keeping it other than an unexpected $874 would be really nice right about now even though i know in the long run, if they ever figured it out, it could come back to bite me in the arse. in which case that amount is not really worth a great big hassle. i've thought about chalking it up to the interest they owe me for the job and that i got screwed on the amount initially. typically i am $100/hr for adult education classes, but this gig i only got $79.50/hr instead because there was a mix up with the vendor and rather than argue for the difference i figured i'd let it go so that i could work at the center again. but now with this extra check like manna from heaven is sitting in my living room, i wonder...keep it or send it back.

thanks for the comments. it seems you hit the nails on the head so to speak.
areas of concern:
my husband's hoops and rules
lack of flexibility
my feeling like i have to suspend my dream for his
larger underlying issues that aren't being discussed (his)
the idea that this marriage might not work....this one is the scariest of all. i came from a divorced family so i waited a long time before having a child. i don't want her to grow up in a fractured home. it's hard. on the flip side i don't want her growing up in a household where her parents don't or can't agree on the basics.
i have fantasized about leaving with her, removing us both from the situation...but deep down i know that is not the answer (despite it temporarily making me feel better)and i must remember where there was once 1 there is now 3 and she is the most important.
i feel like an acrobat balancing on a tightrope without a safety net.

doesn't begin to explain just how tired i am. 6 hours of sleep in 2 days. 15 pages of text. 3 pages of spreadsheets and 30 other misc. pages later...the grant is finished and submitted with minutes to spare. thanks for the encouragement squirrly

what is wrong with me? i should be writing. i have a deadline on wed. and i haven't even started yet. i suck big time. must motivate myself into finding my muse. must write. must make money. must write. must not be so grouchy today because i'm under the bullet now. must write.
ugh.
and i always thought i loved to write. huh.

me! i feel like such an ass. belly didn't want to go to sleep. she nursed, we read, we rocked, i laid in bed with her for 45 minutes...she played, babbled, kicked the bed...anything to stay awake. i told her she was going to have to try falling asleep on her own and i left the room. buckets full of tears ensued. i closed the door and left for all of about 3 minutes, but just long enough for her to get out of bed and place herself in direct line of the door and the stool. i opened the door too hard and she went flying. i hate that damn sticky door. then the tears were even bigger and served a real purpose. i finally calmed her down and i think she was actually asleep before i left the room. my poor little angel. not a good way to slip off to sleep.

belly is still sick-yellow/green mocos are still coming out of her nose, although not at such a rapid rate
it has been too cold for me this week...and the rain is really getting to me
i am addicted to fb
belly can;t get enough animal national geographic and you tube video
the housing market is still dropping in juneau (24 listed forclosures...wow)
the bite on my face, that i picked into a horrendous boil looking thing has gone away and left a very irritating rash in its place... i want to scratch my face off it's so annoying
i have to go to the grocery store at some point today in order to feed my family
i have procrastinated too long on the store grant and i have to work on it for hours today and this weekend to make the deadline
my daughter in infinitely patient with her momma on the computer typing rather than doing something more interactive (must search for pocto -octopus- as a reward
belly is a nail biter. it is driving me crazy. my worse habit and she's got it...thanks bran for showing her how to trim her own nail

the trip was awesome even though we didn't catch that many fish. we get enough for 3 dinners though with leftovers for the dog. belly took her first real boat ride. we went across to sitko bay to pick beach asparagus. belly had her first accident of several on the trip, but that's another story. so for the rest of the time on the beach she ran around bottomless. nothing cuter than a toddler running through the tall grass in nothing but skin. we bbq-ed on the beach with some friends one night making necklaces out of china men hats and shells. belly saw and barked at sea lions. she was tickled. she also really recognized the bears at the dump and was concerned about their proximity with the burn pile. "bear hot come" she repeated with conviction. we saw whales up close and personal. they were on the tidelands swimming in such shallow water you could make our their entire form. it was pretty cool and i've had some epic whale experiences over the last few years and this was up there. belly loved it. she loved hiking from the road to the cabin, about a 1/2 jaunt through the woods, muck, mud and berry bushes. or as belly referred to them "grape berry." which she filled up on whenever she could manage to pick some. they were horribly tart by the expressions she made. it was nice lounging on the deck watching the sun set over the mountains, watching eagles fight over fish remains on the beach and taking my sweet pea on her first real family vacation.

to angoon in the morning (5:30 am to be exact). belly and i haven't been there in 6 weeks and it's been 8 months for bran. we're staying in kim's cabin on the beach overlooking the strait. with no electricity and no toilet should be interesting to see how belly reacts. there is running water from the rain water collection, at least that so i can wash off her face and hands occasionally. albeit it will be freezing cold. maybe we'll get crazy and fill the tub on the deck a few days before we use it and let the sun warm it up.
time to finish packing the gear.
hope the fish are biting. and if the weather is nice belly will take her first boat trip to the fishing grounds. she will see the family fishing holes. i hope the water is calm because nothing beats being on a boat in the summer. whales feeding, eagles soaring overhead, herring slapping the water, sea lions barking, gulls landing and of course the mountains as a backdrop. simply breathtaking every time. not to mention i am so in the mood for some fresh halibut and salmon. it's been too long.

i don't know what to do to get belly to sleep past 4am. she is killing me. i can get her back to sleep after about an hour of struggling, but then she's up and ready again at 7:30.
we've tried:
changing her bedtime
blacking out her windows
letting her sleep with us
taking her to the bathroom to "poop"
getting her milk usually, but sometimes water
making it the start of our day
wrestling her back to sleep
switching from the crib to her big girl bed

but none of them seem to get her to stop waking at that time and simply sleep through the night.

it wasn't a young girl; however, it was the mother of one of the four kids that died this year due to drunk driving on graduation night. she was alive when she arrived at the hospital, but i guess she died shortly after.
i don't even want to image the grieve i would feel losing my wee one to such foolishness.

i am sad for a young girl i never met.
bran called me from work and told me a young girl jumped from the 8th floor of his building. there is a lovely plaza where we frequently spend lunches together providing the weather is nice.
it breaks my heart that someone who choose such a happy place with beautiful scenery to end it all.

what could be so bad? although i am glad we didn't go see bran at lunch, i kinda wish i had. what if i'd seen her? would i recognize the pain that she was feeling? could i (or more likely belly) have made her smile instead of contemplating the jump? where was the safety net for crying out loud when the cops were trying to talk her down?

i know lately i have been hosting my own pity party, but this really puts things in perspective. i am grateful for what i who i love and who loves me. it is scary to think that there is a mother out there who might not have had a clue as to the torment her daughter was feeling. i hope belly never feels all alone.

her death is the 10th or so this year in her age group. with only 30,000 +/- people in juneau such tragedies are felt by all. we will be moving way before belly is a teenager.

i could get the video camera to work. need to go to juneau electronics today to see if they have a cable that will connect to the computer. she has been doing some super cute toddler things that i want to capture on tape...pics don't quite convey the silly songs she makes up, the extra attention she pays to her baby when she is playing little mama, her games with cash, reading books to herself, hollering "poop" every time she has to go to the bathroom.
it's the little things that i want to get.
i hate that the disk drive isn't working on the computer or else i could simply do it the old fashion way.
must run errands after we get back from the beach:
return bran's shoes (father's day present gone a rye)
get some sunglasses (super slick so i'll be sure to lose them or break them before i make it out to he car with them)
get cable to connect video camera to the computer
go to post
take recycling
pick up pics from fred's
finish really late cards...sometimes it doesn't pay to procrastinate

well the hubbub has come and gone, mj's funeral is over. and although i liked his music as a kid and his was the first concert (2nd grade), i never really listened to him as an adult and was none to impressed by the pedophilia allegations. i understand his contribution to music and the marketing of an industry, but did all these people really like him? and if so how come he had a nonexistent career if there were so many fans? i don't understand all the attention, the need for such coverage, etc.
i do consider myself fortunate in that i missed most of it since we don't have cable. no cable equates to no tv in juneau. so although there were a few random titles i read when on the internet, it was a non-event and i don't feel sad that i missed it.